Hugh Moore

hughmoore 09072m how about a real cabby turns around to passenger and says:"You talkin´ta me?" Notice that the two USA Presidents generally considered greatest as Presidents are the only ones called honest---being honest is a characteristic so rare that only they could carry it. Actually george Washington was very honest, but recent research at the edgar poe institute shows that the story about the cherry tree was not quite accurate: actually he was not speaking to his father, but instead to a neighbor father, and said:"i cannot tell a lie, i chopped down your daughter´s cherry tree". I get extremely annoyed when women (and it really is only women who do this) repeatedly ask what is wrong when you´re choking---i mean, its not that they ask if you want the Heimlik maneuver, to which ya could nod if so; no, not at all, what they want is a statement worthy of Perry Mason. I imagine this continuing while some poor guy falls on the floor and eventually drops dead, having to listen all the while to someone asking what is wrong. And of course she is increasingly irritated at getting no satisfactory response---as if you´re insulting her. "Thank you, Goodness." "Thank you for thanking me." "Well, one should always thank Goodness." You have perhaps not heard of the great saint, Saint Columbo. Actually he was one of the greatest of all saints. I will now tell you all about it. Barabastard was a notorious criminal in ancient Jerusalem, and he and his pals knew it was only a matter of time before he got caught. So they hatched a ploy. They knew that at Passover a criminal about to get crucified might get away if he were chosen to be the one let go as a dispensation for the holiday. So they figured Barabastard would arrange to get caught and condemned to crucifiction (in fact this entire plot is a fiction) and then released that way. So first of all they get a patsy (a fall guy) so they can be sure one of the three (there was always three) condemned would not get chosen by the crowd (as distinct from the mob) to get released---this patsy was a well known criminal so depraved that there would be noway he would be released. But they still needed a third for this game. But one reason why the consiglieri (advisers) came up with the plan at that particular time, was there was a guy going around claiming to be the son of Jehovah (the main god there), and lots of powerful enemies swarmed around him, so he also was not about to get released. So this is all going along like clock-work, but when the Roman cops come to collect this second patsy, lo and behold, his closest buddy says he aint never seen him before--- he disclaims its the right guy three times before the rooster crows three times, and that means something very special to Saint Columbo (who is chief of the Roman police, and a fella of no small influence in those days). So Chief Columbo says they got the wrong guy. But the cops have already payed an informant (another friend of this hyer patsy) a large sum of money to finger the guy, so they are, shall we say, very mad. Anyway, they are all set to offer this informant over to the state crucifier, when one of Barabastard´s consiglieri intervenes: because now the crowd will probably let this informant go---after all he didn´t do much bad. So, at this point the whole project is up in the air, and that is probably where Barabastard will soon be mounted. But lo and behold, from a clear blue sky , all of a sudden there was noise and lights like they never seen. A flying saucer lands and out steps this hippy from the 25th century. So of course they crucified him. No wonder Jesus (for such was the name of the guy who was saying he was the son of that god) was walking around fresh as a daisy later on. And all due to the cleverness of Saint Columbo.

3/10/2m The great concert hall is crowded with expectant audience. The imposing concert grand piano dominates the stage, as I walk on stage in my performers tuxedo and sit down on the piano bench waiting half a minute I turn to the full hall and say to them in a loud clear voice: “When I was a little boy my mother kept urging me to practice, but I refused, so today I am absolutely unable to play for you”. 31may2001 hello. So the skin doctor says she hopes it has not been there two years, but I do not know, as I only went to a doctor first 6 months before after about more than three years. So I get very worried, and angry because I had tried twice or three times earlier to find her office, but in Oslo no thought is devoted to making locations easy to find. Also, why did not my two doctors treating me those months for diabetes push me to actually get to the skin doctor promptly??? Anyway a couple weeks later the bit she cut off was reported not cancer by the lab and she said it was not necessary to retest it just to be sure (altho this is Norway, Land of Incompetence). Isn´t that funny??? Make sure you get a skin checkup every year so it does not get to two years. And I was not at the beach. And if you get diabetes do not let your doctors so focus on it that they forget the more dire matter that could kill you quick. I know I should have been more adult, but I am the patient. I think that is a problem in society--- that altho we are none of us adult, we treat each other as if we were. That is one reason we like TV shows that let us imagine we are not adult or are adult, depending, and it does not matter, because it is so absurd that we simply kill off characters not successful enough, learning to also do so in so-called real life. And of course thinking is nonsense most of the time. So it is a relief to see a good TV show. I think one reason we laugh is because we do not have to remember---we feel relative trust (not absolute, but within parameters of not threat). I have a grand-daughter baby and she laughs a lot, and smiles too. That is beyond humor. It is serious humor. Freud was unacquainted with infants, poor thing. . But altho he is much greater than many give him credit for, he was fecally perverse in being an inveterate bullshit-artist.But that is the secret of great theorizing. Also Feyerabend says so. Sez I.

280601 1836 joke i like from TV (“Blossom): what happens if you cross a lion and a woodpecker? ans: I don´t know, but if it knocks on the door, don´t open.

090701 21:51 Funny from film “Dave”: she was part (i forget, but ends up she´s Amnesian).

260701 01:09 BOB AND RAY

ERNIE KOVAKS ERNIE KOVAKS ERNIE KOVAKS ERNIE KOVAKS ERNIE KOVAKS ERNIE KOVAKS

02:11 name changes ala BOAC, datsun,nissan, so: george becomes hrry, niagara falls becomes NF etc

reference; “Can You Top This” (radio show from my childhood time) but note Sol´s arrogant attitude.

290801 0639 How Saudi Arabia got its name: a guy says: “I saw de Arabians”.

0640 In what country do people call each other a bird? (You Crane).

0641 What country rues Wanda?

120901 2223 cf Helpful Hints (my title)(page).

230901 1314 How about the lady who had on her T-shirt: “Honesty is my breast policy” (no plastic). 1316 The lover who liked his women itchy so he could start from scratch. 1437 my idea and title for Chinese movie: “Just Lou King” --- about a Chinese Columbo type. 1513 The Taliban started a government in Norway, beginning out in the woods, like in Snorre (the sagas of the ancient Vikings), and excluded all contact with the outside world, and were informed by their runners (messengers)(who alone had access to the sacred place of secret control and power) that all was well and all of Norway was under their control, and then we pull the shot back and show that it is entirely enclosed within a wing of the national mental hospital, which also has other separate articulated wings, as ... 280901 1647 BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I am a dentist, I do pain; go away and come again. (to tune of Monty Python “I´m a Lumberman”).

280901 1540 Think of the Oedipal problems of a guy with 57 siblings! ( cf page Window of Opportunity). 2229 In USA the Boy Scouts celebrate the Indian culture and stuff; I suppose that in Germany the Boy Scouts celebrate Jewish culture.

071001 0108 There is an ad-shop on tv presented by a space alien pretending to be a woman (Gymform Plus).

0110 One should not leer when a woman leaves the toilet, nor show a peeled banana saying it proves she is a goddess.

0111 Gramma went to grammar school but kids now go to computer academy.

torsdag 25. oktober 2001 21:24 Ping pong game between Ho Ping and Hope: Hoping against Hope. lørdag 27. oktober 2001 19:50 Beeper verse: beep beep beep beep beep ........... 20:26 Darw in, Darw out 20:27 Dar win, Dar lose 20:28 choco late, choco early 21:53 Horrible idea for e g Mad tv: adult playing with child, uses dummy arm to all of a sudden pretend the kid has pulled real arm off. 22:59 Backwards walking. 22:59 A woman on tv looked to me like she was 100 years old -- but someone said she looked half her age -- so she must have been 200 years old. 23:01 Ashdown maybe derived from teacher saying sit down in a rude manner. 23:02 Girl sadly complains of being ignored --- everyone focuses on her sister Ann --- her name is Mary Thrax. torsdag 15. november 2001 02:10 Confusion say, “He who shit in kitchen sink lose friends”.

lørdag 17. november 2001 03:35 I used to use a pony tail, but then it used to choke me at night --- but that was because I forgot to take it off the pony. 03:57 Not only in Oslo do dogs not often bark, but also the flies hardly buzz --- can it be that the flies elsewhere are teaching those dogs there to bark?! 04:05 Put soles as used under dance-shoes, under sneakers, to look impressive dancing (wow how can he do that in those jogging shoes?!). 04:07 Intrepid and outtrepid. 04:08 Leshus Moosh is the male form of ? answer: Luscious Mush. 04:10 Halloween masks like what tv uses to conceal identities. søndag 18. november 2001 00:29 Poor guy named Smelb tried advertising, but folks did not want to buy a Smelb ad. 01:02 How about someone answers the fone having been awakened, and speaks groggily in a particular language unknown to the caller (who is friend), and then immediately hangs up. lots of variants ... 01:27 Ad: before September 2001: “Have the pleasure of seeing the beautiful view from the top of The World Trade Center while you visit your dear ones who are being preserved in our lovely Cryogenic center waiting peacefully to be reborn in another century”. 01:37 TV in Norway is so boring, people may say, “ Oo! Thank god, there´s a war --- we can watch the news!” 01:41 If U S Supreme Court decides it was wrong, so Bush is not legally President, he can run twice again! (n b to uninitiated: President has two-term-limit.) 02:09 Ain´t it the way --- now checking a tape recording my thoughts Oct 10, I said bin Laden may have a smarter brother, like Sherlock Holmes had Mycroft and later we hear of that Egyptian pediatrician, his Mycroft type guy. I wonder if that guy and Karadjik(sp?) (Serb bad guy psychiatrist) went to same medical school. 02:13 kiosk in front of zoo, run by Mably --- i e, pre-zoo Mebly. 02:15 Constipated person says: I would be willing to give a shit, if I could take a shit. 02:19 Comedian with turban: Amu Singh. (or M U Singh). 02:35 Purr verse: (to be sung ad lib, like lugubrious folk song): Are they complaining about me? Am I yelling too loud? And bothering the neighbors? Or is it early enuf? And is it a weekday? or the weekend? And what is that strange noise? 02:50 T-shirt: Psychologists enjoy people (foto of brain). 02:58 Here at the kindergarten we collect fine whines. 04:40 Hit man: Lou Natick. 04:55 When is water difficult to see? --- When your eyes are shut. When you´re not there. When you´re asleep. When you´re in orgasm. When you´re laughing. When you´re turned away from it. When it´s a dark night. When you´re not awake for some other reason, like being unconscious. When you´re slipping and falling. When you´re blind. No, almost blind. When there isn´t very much. When you´re very high up above it. When something is covering your eyes. When you´ve just been punched in the nose. When there´s something in your eye. Or both of them. Like dust. Or hair. When you´re doing oral sex. When you´re a very young baby. When you´re intently looking at someone. Or when you´re intently looking at something. Else. 05:45 Hit man sibling duo: The Grim Brothers. 07:56 Santa gets shot down by mistake? 08:27 Americans drive to mall and use electronic devices to give illusion of walking to mall. 08:29 Real apes call humans “apes without lice”. 08:51 Even Chew Ali, the Arab orthodontist. 09:25 Politician: Lee Derr.

021201 1953 cartoon ideas: Bin laden thrown off bucking bronco --- yells: "Gee Hard!" 1954 Sadam as Moby dick; a troll with two heads and three legs on him, harpooning him --- one head is Bush the son, the other is Bush the father --- the son is active, the father head just hangs there squinting. 1955 I suppose this one should be in French, as the word for rabbit is lapin --- Elmer Fudd chases Bugs Bunny (as in the cartoon satirizing Wagner) -- yelling "Kill the wabbit" in french --- "Mort a bin Lapin" --- ah well, not so good. (I thought of it because of Pashtuns and merry melodies ("Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies" being title of the old Bugs bunny etc mags)).

Hugh Moore tirsdag 25. desember 2001 05:21 --- A friend says he does not like it when someone calls his store and does not say who is calling. I was surprised to hear that. Maybe it is a Norwegian thing, and I am a callous American --- like maybe it is a friend of a cousin from out in the country. But maybe it is a terrorist and if you ask his name you lose the sale. But how about using a false name, if you are a famous person who doesn´t want to deal with fame every time he calls a store. Or maybe it is a dangerous bureaucracy and you dont want to say, hello this is Jack Schultz and I want to know how to cheat your company or ... Anyway, maybe from now on I will use a false name to cheer up the people who have to answer the fone all day. If I get caught I can say I did it for their benefit. But isn´t it a burden for them to try to remember my name? “Hello, my name is Horatio Wendelsnide Bottomley the third. Could you please tell me when the train leaves for Upper Hipness on Booth?” “Yes, Mr Bottomley, it leaves at three fifteen P M” “Thank you” “Don´t you want to know MY name?” “Actually I unfortunately recognized your voice, Margaret --- how are our children? ...” “Fine, but I must admit that I had not recognized your voice, and would not have known who you are had you not so graciously informed me at once, unlike so many boors I have to deal with, who merely ask when the train is leaving and so forth, but you had better hurry lest you miss it --- you are indeed, calling from Upper Chalksworthy on Bazxtqup, are you not?” “Yes, indeed, Margaret, so thoughtful as ever. Well, cheerio, Dearest.” “Ta ta, Horatio.” Or one could simply reassuringly state that one is not an enemy or someone collecting money.

Hugh Moore tirsdag 25. desember 2001 05:36 --- Or ala Groucho: “Hello, I am not an enemy or someone collecting money. Actually, I am Emperor Hirohito, and I am looking for “The Pillow Book” by Lady Murasaki --- actually, if Lady Murasaki herself is there, that is even better.”

-------------------------------- 261201 1532 --------------------------- onsdag 26. desember 2001 15:33 Do you know how that Swedish kid, Emil, made famous by those stories, eventually died? He moved to England, where, due to a horrible misunderstanding, a cannibal ate him. 15:36 Now that the Taliban are gone, the Afghanis get to see their favorite stripper, from India: Nude Ellie. ------------- onsdag 26. desember 2001 20:09 Once I was in a fancy restaurant and they let me go in back to watch the chefs, but I distracted one of them --- a nice guy: I remember his name was Joe, --- and he burned his fingers broiling a steak --- actually he was related to a famous movie star, Kim Novak, and his family name also was Novak. Can you feel the horrible buffaloes crowding in on you? It was Joe Novak burned at the steak. ---------------

hugh moore lørdag 12. januar 2002 16:57 As you may know, I do not wear undershorts, so, walking in Stortorget (the main central square in Oslo) with diarrhea, and shitting in my pants, the turds kept dribbling out from the ankles of my jogging -pants, people kept coming up to me and telling me to put them properly in the waste recepticals, fortunately a person was there with a dog bag, which I used; nonetheless, it was the most embarrassing thing that happened to me, except when I was an astronaught, and vomited all over the space-capsule --- but that was because theyd run out of vomit-bags, which was not really my fault, but remember they had to be special vomit-bags preventing vomit from going back into oneself. by the way, trivia: Name the male fictional literary character noted as not using underwear shorts. answer i will place in section (entry this date) I call Culture Bearer.

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hugh moore søndag 13. januar 2002 18:56 When I used to buy female slaves, I used to test their responses (they naked with arms stretched up with wrists crossed) by simultaneously, kissing both their armpits with my extra-long two-pronged tongue; people underestimate the advantages of being dragons. Anway, this is a true quote from a classic Sufi blind poet: “I love to go to the slave market and feel the breasts of the women”. Lomdugeks mimindine. I had this friend whose name was Scott and he asked me to come along on this voyage, which i would have done but for my having a new girlfriend. So while he was dying of starvation and freezing, I was in the Lake Country with Margaret. A good cunt is better than The South Pole. My cigar kept getting shorter and eventually it burned me. And then I told pretty Ayna, and cried or pretended to, and she said she didn´t care, but she gave me wet peper-towel to put between my fingers; now I´m thinking how many times I can get away with that, and do I really have to burn myself to get a wet paper-towel from pretty Ayna. That´s a lokokookoo by A A Mollneqveig. Was A A Milne´s first name Oliver? --- in Norwegian aa sounds like o. I have a private investigater named Lester Lumens, who pretends to be as stupid as Sean Hannity, so as to get around in the places less illuminated. Les Lumens has a hero in literature: Saul Panzer, who works for Nero Wolf, names that always bring to my face a smile, but I am always annoyed I do not remember the family name of Nero Wolf´s right hand man Ned (not Beaumont --- that is the guy in “The Glass Key” by Dashiell Hammett). Isn´t the length of this paragraph amusing? Like a tall stripper masturbating?

onsdag 16. januar 2002 19:55 What kind of pretzel was it --- a straight pretzel or a twisted pretzel? Let´s have great masterpieces of art depicting Barbara warning her children about pretzels.

Maybe now Usurper will learn to speak well.

Cartoon of history class a century from now, with child telling teacher that after a long search Binladn was caught and impeached for abusing Monica.

Some women actually believe that when a man is kissing her pussy he is actually kissing her.

We used to have jokes about George Washington slept here; now same, but Binladn.

“Because a tax cut is part of the prescription for economic recovery.” Guess which son of Barbara Bush sedd that recently. By the way, our first female President will be Barabara Bush.

Everyone farts,

Now that there is a united Europe and no Cold War vs Russia, and Africa is looking bad due to, e g, Mugabe, maybe true colonialism is coming up in Africa.

22:51 How about a guy in court proven nuts because he says things like (and witnesses report also) when I make a liter of coffee I have to drink it in the course of the day because it sits there just begging me to drink it. for mad tv.

Summertime, beach, a few early- teen boys feeling loaves of bread -- along comes woman in bikini and sez; “You want to squeeze something, squeeze these!” and rips off her top and pushes breasts into their faces.

Is it child abuse to put a statue of Binladn in her/his clothes-closet?

How about an Ale called “Ale Aught” --- drink Ale Aught .

Wipe things off and make them dry.

tirsdag 29. januar 2002 18:12 The pyromaniac fireman was easily caught by the criminologist name -projecter due to being the only one with a suspicious name: Pascal.

onsdag 6. februar 2002 21:41 Once upon a time, a child had a pet loon which died, so a relative invented a toy as consolation, which in windy days behaved like the loon (named Abe), even popping up out of water --- it was called a balloon.